Cowboys and Aliens was one of the greatest experiences of my life, I just wish the movie was better

So there I am Saturday night walking the red carpet, the real red carpet I mean my God I am at the premiere of “Cowboys and Aliens”. Not only am I there but so is Harrison Ford, Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard, Olivia Wilde, Joel McHale, Daniel Craig and John Favreau. It was like nirvana, a dream come true. John Favreau takes the stage and introduces everyone, tells a great story, everyone takes their seats and the movie begins. That’s where the problems start; the film starts off as western a good one too. It just does not last long.

The movie starts with Craig’s character Jake Lonergan waking up in a desert with no memory of anything except English. He is soon attacked but he makes quick work of the 3 men who were trying to do the right thing. He travels to a town and meets Clancy Brown, gets arrested, breaks free and teams with Harrison Ford to rescue humans and kill aliens. That’s the whole movie in a nutshell except that none of the film works, Craig’s accent is horrible. It sounds like he needs to use the toilet. Harrison Ford’s transformation in this film beats Thor’s transformation for most unexplained character development in 2011. I mean literally one second Woodrow Dolarhyde is torturing an innocent man to death, while holding a whole town hostage, the next thing you know he is the films hero. I mean really I am supposed to root for this guy after watching him kill an innocent man in one of the most horrible ways possible? Or after his son wreaks havoc over a whole town? That’s just some of the flaws of the film, Olivia Wilde is in the film I can’t tell you who she plays it’s a surprise. I can tell you this if she does not start saying no to some offers she won’t be getting anymore soon.

See you have to understand I should have loved this movie I was all setup to love this movie, all it had to do was not suck. But it sucked bad, it was boring, long and stupid. The aliens come for gold. No reason is ever given why they want gold. The aliens also kidnap humans lots of humans. Why? Who cares? You see none of this matters if the movie would have been fun. But it’s not fun it’s long and takes work to finish, I mean I was 20 feet from Steven Spielberg and wanted to take a nap.

After the film John Favreau asked me what I thought, I said amazing. He shook my hand said thanks and continued walking I was not lying, it was amazing to me how could so many talented people get together and make such a huge piece of crap. After the movie the whole audience was treated to one hell of a party. Let me tell you right now if this movie was half as good as the chicken salad they served at the after party this review would be completely different. Hell if this film was on par with the coleslaw it be doing good, sadly this film was not even up to coleslaw levels.

A for effort though you could tell everyone really tried to make the best movie possible, with the possible exception of Harrison Ford. Favreau said Cowboys and Aliens was a Christmas present under the tree, everyone kept shaking it wondering what it was. Well I opened it, it was a dirty, stinky fruit cake eat up boys and girls, eat up.